Problems

Gosh I think my head is gonna burst with all the problems stuck in my head each time I thought of something. One of it was an argument between the both of us and almost two days have not spoken. I knew we missed each other too much until we were too worry sometimes but I am under a massive stress with my assignments assigned with close datelines which always drive me crazy and sleepless nights. Until we finally spoke to each other today, I felt that we are quite apart and things started to feel quite cold during the conversation. The replies are like very short and not as informative if I would say but it does not even feel like it is a conversation between lovers or couples. I don't know. All I knew was, I was being very depressed and couldn't concentrate on my stuffs since the day we argued. Tears keep filling up till I keep holding on to it so that it don't pour. Sighs. My life is so so full of miseries. Mind full of rubbish problems which can't be deleted nor removed. HELP!!

.iamsodepressed.

Being apart would make a relationship stronger,

But being apart may make each other think too much.

Misses each other very much 

Where we have to wait until it comes.

I love you and of course I miss you either,

My trust are fully on you where I can rely.

Please no more depression.

It brings me deep down into the darkness.

Bring me light, make me bright.

Brighter than the sun shining on us.

Life

Sorry for not blogging this long and I know it's rotting or maybe rotten. It seems there are a lot of stuffs bothering me around and getting my ass buzzed. Anyway, life is so so tough in Singapore and I have started to regret for not loving my own country and so as appreciating it. It is fun to be in Singapore for holidays but not to live or study here because seriously you can see the people here don't live lives!

From the first day of my college as I was travelling with Cindy to the MRT station at where I live from Boon Keng to Bugis station, we saw many "zombies" walking in speed like being hypnotized to one direction at Dhoby Ghaut station as its an interchange between the MRTs. Gosh.

Then, it has many problems between my life with the college life here. I don't enjoy it at all and in fact, I hated it very much as there are two devils around. I don't care if he or she read this but this is the truth. Yes I have been unwell for a week struggling with my bad health before the Chinese New Year but this fella as a group mate of mine, he thought of being selfish and left me alone as he said that we should split the group into individuals as I have not done much things. Fuck you. Then, what am I looking at when you are presenting? You just added few slides and then you did the incomplete report yourself and that is it. Others are done by me although I'm sick and slow in progress as you don't know how I struggled through. You chose what you wanna do and other major ones are done by me especially the paper works! On the other hand, other assignments that are group assigned, he split it either when at first he said that "It's okay. We still can be group." in front of the lecturer and then met the lecturer to tell that you are not willing to? Are you ball-less? Fuck you gay shit. Giving me so many problems when at first you just approach to me right away when the lecturer says that it's a group work. *spits*

Life here is super tough as I don't know why everyday I have to rush up and down, here and there for the sake of the assignments, purchasing stuffs, printings and such. I am so so so tired of this life in Singapore which sometimes I pity they have to suffer so much when they can't even or maybe I should say they are afraid of being a loser. Oh well, people here are very very very bossy and not as friendly as you think which makes me can't even communicate sometimes.

Gosh, I guess I really miss my own country with all the tasty food and friendly people and especially my friends with all my love! The food in Singapore sucks! Which either the food is tasteless or too salty. Damn. Make me come back please.. It feels like jail here after each time I went back to Johor Bahru with my love to search for food and love!

Anger

It's the very first time I see this kind of anger in my life not even in my family itself but the one who suppose to be as a part of the family. The yell was frightening and my heartbeat went really fast till I was really scared that I'm so gonna get whacked up. Sigh. I was very upset when I picked up the call and it was girl and it's one of the ex. Well, at first I got scolded for being so childish but actually I just wanna answer that I'm sorry I am. I doubt there's any girl out there will accept it 100% without thinking other doubts. And it was cured after awhile.

Just needed some companion but instead I got yelled. It's just few hours before I left you for a few days and then you can do whatever you want. Sadly, all I get is yelling before explanations that I suppose to speak out but I did not. I was really taking a nap after locking the room when I was kinda upset that you rather Dota than to stay with me no matter what just for that few hours although it's just laying down on the bed. But instead you banged the door that I locked. If I am that pissed of you, I would have locked all the doors including the other room's and the toilet's. When you're pissed, you always don't realise that whatever you're saying out are very direct that strikes the person's heart and even your loved ones. The patience is very important to me where you have to have it in many situations.

While I was crying by the door, there are voices that I heard that says, "Hey, it's okay. Just accept it as it's your life's luck." and the other says "Are you sure you gonna continue this? Don't you afraid that one day you became his wife, he will whack you when he's angry?" Although my thoughts now is more to the negative part, but whatever I do, I still don't think that I did hurt the feeling of love between us. Not me but just you. Even I have heard before that no one likes it when you got scolded and then slowly apologize for being rude or so, neither do I. While keep thinking about all these upset stuffs, I began to feel too over depressed and began to scratch my left hand down by the wrist till the elbow part. Every time I think of it, I'll just keep scratching till the cells are so red and dead on the skin. It's not that I don't wanna say sorry, it's just that you came in in flame that I have no idea to find an extinguisher to put it off.

Yes, you've scolded me and I only know how to cry because I'm hurt but are you? Yes, I don't like it when I'm here and you were playing Dota but that was what I've told since the last argument that makes a near break up again. Atleast, I'll just shut up and keep quiet so that I don't say things that hurts that makes me thinks that it's so awful. I understand because it's not just once or twice but I have had it more than enough before.

When you were talking to me through the whole journey and even that few minutes short "talk" in the car, I really kept thinking of will you beat me up? Should I break up to avoid? But what I think avoiding wasn't the idea anyway just kept calm again than to do anything wrong.

Reached destination and went to eat. While ordering I have asked if you want to although it's not really that proper. I actually forgot that I need to borrow some cash to you but instead you just said that my anger doesn't mean that it shows that you don't have it too and you just walked away like that when I was giving you the money. Fine. I'm not blaming anything. I'm just gonna be emo for like, a week? Weird questions like should I be going back coming week? should I continue? I don't know how to answer it but just ignoring those questions. But even if you saw this, if you think that I wrote this just because I wanna boss you? I'm sorry I'm not but I'm trying to write my feelings out that have been stuck there for long.

P.S. :-

I really love you,

but it kept hurting me deep inside,

how and what should i do?

my heart is going to be sliced into half soon

remember?

can you be my pain killer pill?

all these,

was just a silly dream that i'm falling into.

please wake.

sigh.

New Life 2011!

Hi bloggy! It's been long I neglected this blog due to working times without internet connections for my private laptop until night. But by that time, the battery installed in my body is already weak and going to be shut down soon. Anyways, how did you guys past your new year? Good or bad it doesn't matter but what matter is what we did is right or wrong. (:

Okay, new year I flew to Singapore with my mum and both my brothers early in the morning. Didn't knew that my dad surprised us when we were eating our breakfast at McDonalds. I was really surprised and kinda upset when my dad waving goodbye to me as I was leaving the house that morning but in the end as he turned up at the airport, I was kinda touched and wanted to cry but I just did not. Reached Changi airport at 10.00am and proceed to my aunty's house at Jurong West by car. Waited everything till 2.30pm and went to settle my stuffs which is my new house! Went to Singapore's Ikea and bought some D.I.Y. tables and mirrors and other stuffs back to my new room shared with my best colleague Cindy (:

Was tired after screwing up every single table legs that it should use a driller to drill that screw into the desk board but we don't have one. Went to bed real early with red hands. o-m-g.